What to do what to do!
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do after I graduate. Law school? Grad school? Get a job? I have no idea. I wish someone would just tell me what degrees I need to do some good in the world!
I know that writing is one of my gifts, but how do I use it to help others? I don’t think i’ll ever be authoritative enough to write a book, but that doesn’t mean writing can’t be a huge part of my career, right? So maybe I go to work for a nonprofit and do PR. But then maybe I go to law school and then do PR. Or maybe I go to grad school and then do PR? But maybe I’m not supposed to do PR! Maybe I’m supposed to do Human Rights Law. I. Don’t. Know.
It doesn’t help at all, either, that my interests are so broad. I know that I love kids, I know that I want to help them… but in what context? I don’t know.
I’ve also been thinking about taking a year off once I leave Miami to do mission work. But where would I go? How would I raise the money?
I want so desperately to live the life that the Lord has in mind for me. I want to be a servant and I want to impact the world in a positive way!
It’s such a strange feeling to be so young and to have your whole life as this empty canvass ahead of you. So many people just fall into what they do and it becomes their life’s work. And I know that the Lord will provide - like he always always always does - a life for me that is beyond my wildest dreams or imagining… But what about the mean time? I guess all I can really do is prepare myself well. I need to do well in school so I have options when graduation comes. I need to network and try new things and be open to any possibilities the Lord may throw my way. But most importantly, I need to prepare my heart! I need to be in the Word daily, seeking Jesus, imitating him. Filling my heart with the truth and peace and light only the Scriptures can bring. I also need to serve and keep serving the people in my life: my parents, my sisters, my friends. If I truly want the heart of Christ, I need to be working at it daily.
1 Corinthians 7:17 ESV
Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him.
Lord, please guide me and give me peace and confidence in your provision and in your plans.
Mark 14:33, 36 ESV
“Abba, Father, all things are possible for you… Yet not what I will, but what you will.”
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
home is where the heart is…
..but what happens when you don’t know where your heart is?
when it’s torn in different directions and broken off into different pieces and it doesn’t feel at peace?
my heart is with my family in virginia. i love our house and being with my parents and my puppies and being a few states closer to my brother.
my heart is in kentucky. with my friends, YL, our closest family friends. i miss the familiarity of it and the defined space i fit into in that community.
my heart is in oxford. with my sisters. my friends. my fellowship. oh, how i desperately miss it all.
how do you build a home in a place where you have no connections? where you’re totally invisible, a total non-entity in the community? i didn’t grow up here, i probably won’t spend this much time here ever again. how strange to have your home be a place you only visit on school holidays and breaks.
maybe this is what growing up feels like. maybe it’s the sense that everything you once knew is gone and what you’re going to know isn’t coming fast enough. maybe it’s feeling like you have so much to see and do and try but nowhere to land firmly because your whole world is evolving. maybe.
i’ve convinced myself that i’ve become accustomed to change this year. that since my world was shaken up that i’ve mastered the art of changing gracefully. that’s a lie. change still terrifies me. but that’s what life is. once you leave your parents’ house and become a real person, your entire life is change. changing jobs, changing friends, changing houses and apartments and cars and clothes. changing expectations, dreams, hopes, goals.
but as long as my heart is with Christ, i will have a home that never changes.
How lovely is your dwelling place,
LORD Almighty!
My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God.
Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
LORD Almighty, my King and my God.
Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
they are ever praising you.
-Psalm 84:1-4
